Flavors swirling, catching, changing
Experiences developing, immutable yet ranging
Dry eyes, full of scorn
Tears drip, newly borne
Bittersweet is the wine of life
poured carelessly, barely tasted
lovingly bottled, preserved, and rife
Enjoyed, hated, protected, wasted
Decanter open, smells unleashed
proudly displayed, ashamedly fleeced
bad vintage, bad year, faultless, fear
tended, cared, loved so near.
I don’t even know how to title this post. I want to take a chance to talk about mixed feelings. Transitioning has been in many ways very difficult and scary, and in other ways one of the mot rewarding and fulfilling things I’ve ever done.
What I need to do a better job of expressing, especially to myself, is the joy and contentment I feel by feeling like myself. It’s odd how the better I feel the more obvious the bad feelings are. When I was miserable and in the closet I was fairly even keeled. Now I’m all over the place emotionally, and I couldn’t be happier about that fact.
It’s become difficult to be a moderate person, to feel moderately, live moderately. Sometimes I feel like a kid with incredible swings in mood, though I know they’re not very big to most people.
I never thought sadness could make me happy. I had never experienced happy crying, I had never been happy to cry. Yet, I have learned to embrace and love the lows as much as the highs. As winters chill makes summers warmth so enticing, so too does sadness’ cold embrace make the warmth of laughter and joy all the richer.
I have a brain that likes to think and I let it run away from me sometimes (all the time) but in my heart when my head is quiet, I can hear the gentle song of joy hanging in the air.
Confessions of a Trans Professional 