Sometimes my heart aches. Pain shoots through me, the room swims, and I feel the panic in my chest. My stomach turns to poison. I begin to sweat uncontrollably, and then my thoughts spiral.
Sometimes is most mornings. Maybe not all of those things happen, but at least some of them do. I’m having panic attacks, with varying frequency. The common denominator, is coming to work.
When people talk about toxic workplaces, or toxic environments. I used to have a hard time truly understanding that, because toxic is a strong word. Toxic implies something is killing you.
Well, my toxic environment is slowly killing me. I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. My blood pressure is bad, I’m losing weight for the wrong reasons. It’s not good.
I knew it was coming, I’ve been throwing up regularly for a few months now. but the blood pressure thing worries me. I’m on Estradiol and Spironolactone. The latter of which is primarily a high blood pressure medication. So if, at my young age, I’m burning through myself, already on medication. I’m concerned. The Estradiol just increases the chance of complications, so that’s great. I’d rather not stroke out in my twenties.
So I think I’m getting close to a breaking point, because I can’t last forever. Even my doctor told me that most people can endure extreme stress for periods of time, but only when there’s an end point. I need to find a way to start moving the dial back to normal.
Confessions of a Trans Professional 