It’s been a week since I posted last. Not out of a lack of inspiration but out of a robust supply of having to move my office and getting my taxes ready most of the weekend.
One of the things that I found the most interesting for myself was how much of an effect HRT has had on my strength. Things I know I could have lifted easily six months ago are starting to cause me to struggle. Hormones are exciting for me in a lot of ways but trying to hold up a large TV with my new noodle arms is not on the list.
The other thing I noticed is that I haven’t hit the threshold where people realize I’m getting weaker. I guess that doesn’t matter very much but I found myself in the awkward position of; do I explain whats going on and sound whiny, or do I just suck it up and struggle.
I struggled through. it was fine, it just made me realize as my cis-female coworker was stacking coffee pods in the shelves while I was carrying around the kitchen table that expectations do not shift quickly.
]’m entering a weird ambiguous point in my transition. I get mam’d by strangers and I get gentlemen’d by people I know. It’s a weird limbo that I’m looking forward to getting out of.
Chronologically I’m going to skip a head a bit because I recently came out to all of my colleagues, co-workers, what have you.
First off, I was incredibly lucky, I didn’t have a single poor or hateful reaction. Something that absolutely shocked me. It didn’t shock me from the sense that I thought anyone was really harbouring ill feelings towards Trans people. More in the sense that this big massive, all to looming shadow of a thing that is being in the closet twists everything into a “big deal.” Even though I’ve come out before, it has yet to feel good to do it. 10 times in one day was exhausting.
The mechanics of coming out are fairly simple. You tell someone the biggest and most personal secret you can. That’s how I do it. I met with everyone individually I felt everyone had a right to privacy and to react in their own way. Telling a group might be easier but my goal is to ensure everyone is comfortable with working with a Trans individual. I haven’t started telling clients yet.
I came out significantly sooner than I had been expecting. I’ve only been on HRT for 5 months now, and only 2 of those were with Estrogen. I haven’t exactly gotten to the point that anything was particularly obvious. I came to the conclusion that it would be an easier mental transition if I didn’t tie coming out with physical transition. Other then everyone knowing things were still similar the next day. I think that gives people a chance for acclimation to the situation.
I have a concern that clients will react poorly. Not all but some. I don’t want to see, when those moments occur. someone I work with getting upset about it. I’m concerned people will be hypersensitive and defensive more than standoffish. Which is the better problem to have in my opinion. My ultimate goal with my transition is for things to go as peacefully and simply as possible. I have a friend who is gay, she told me one day that she wished that she could just be who she was without having to feel different or other to everyone else. She didn’t want to live a normal life, she wanted her life to be normal. I think about that a lot. I know being Trans isn’t the norm for a lot of people, but I look forward to when being Trans is considered normal.
If you think you work with understanding people who have good hearts and good intentions. Who have a great and supportive reaction I want you to know that is fine to feel uncomfortable with it. I know for me I try very hard to be an honest person. Holding this secret that is so core to my being chafes at me. It hass also become comfortable. I can control a secret, the truth is far harder to contain. I’m not sure when I won’t stop feeling vulnerable and nervous but I do know that things can only get better.