I’m going to illustrate my point with a little bit of an equivalency, see if you can spot the difference.
I accept that apples are not very tasty in the winter. How could they be? They’re not fresh, they’re not crisp, they’re kind of mushy. So I only eat apples during apple season. I accept that other people eat apples, but I don’t support it myself.
I accept that Trans people are different people. How could they be normal? They’re weird, they act different, and they make me feel uncomfortable. So I don’t like talking about them being trans. I accept that they are people, but I don’t get it and I’m trying hard enough.
I’m uncomfortable with eating stored apples, it’s personal preference and other then apple farmers largely no one is hurt by this. Apples are largely indifferent to the attitudes of those around them. Who can know for sure though.
Trans people on the other hand are real, are people, and have to interact with others all the time, and most importantly they’re not inanimate objects. We know we make you uncomfortable, because we don’t fit into your worldview. No one needs reminding less about how uncomfortable trans people make others then trans people. It’s not something we want. We don’t ask for it, but from our earliest memories we’re told to fit into a box that doesn’t fit right. With varying consequences for not doing so.
Accepting something is reasonably easy. Accepting something is similar to saying “I don’t hate it” which is a pretty low bar. Support requires effort, and I’m sick and tired of people saying I support when they mean I accept.
When you say I support without meaning it what you’re basically saying is that I feel more social pressure to accept you then I personally feel. So I need to firmly state that I don’t want to experience anything negative from your existence. The person saying this, is the one bringing the negativity, and it has to be experienced by someone. This negativity generally ends up being borne by the one who is being ‘supported’. In the end you’ve accomplished the opposite you want by saying I support you.
The worst part is, I don’t think that’s very upsetting to people who feel this way. They don’t want to be supportive, if they did they’d take on some of the burden not leave it for others. So lets maybe commit to being honest. It’s okay to be honest to a trans person and say I accept that you’re trans. As long as you actually mean it.