Soul lifting, warm, freeing joy

If I had of known that changing my name was going to make me feel so good I would have done it sooner. I got everythign back officially last week and I have felt like a brand new person. The world is brighter, my heart hurts less. I’ve been on cloud 9 for almost a week now.

Sometimes the little details make a huge difference!

The sweet taste of joy

I don’t even know how to title this post. I want to take a chance to talk about mixed feelings. Transitioning has been in many ways very difficult and scary, and in other ways one of the mot rewarding and fulfilling things I’ve ever done.

What I need to do a better job of expressing, especially to myself, is the joy and contentment I feel by feeling like myself. It’s odd how the better I feel the more obvious the bad feelings are. When I was miserable and in the closet I was fairly even keeled. Now I’m all over the place emotionally, and I couldn’t be happier about that fact.

It’s become difficult to be a moderate person, to feel moderately, live moderately. Sometimes I feel like a kid with incredible swings in mood, though I know they’re not very big to most people.

I never thought sadness could make me happy. I had never experienced happy crying, I had never been happy to cry. Yet, I have learned to embrace and love the lows as much as the highs. As winters chill makes summers warmth so enticing, so too does sadness’ cold embrace make the warmth of laughter and joy all the richer.

I have a brain that likes to think and I let it run away from me sometimes (all the time) but in my heart when my head is quiet, I can hear the gentle song of joy hanging in the air.

Am I too comfortable being uncomfortable?

I had a really awkward conversation with one of the partners last week, it lasted nearly two hours. He was circling around a question he couldn’t form, and I have given too much brain space to trying to understand his point. Throughout the entire conversation I was trying to help him get to whatever point he wanted to make, and I don’t want to say opened up, but felt as if I had to give up details about myself I didn’t feel comfortable with.

In the moment though, it didn’t feel bad, it just seemed like the necessary thing to do. When recounting the story later to a few co-workers they were shocked at the few actual questions my boss had managed to get out.

He asked if I wear a bra, and I answered, not knowing what to do. But is my self-worth so low, or am I so beaten down by my experiences that I have lost the ability to protect myself. or hold anything sacred about myself.

My journey so far has been rough and has involved a lot of soul crushing experiences. Have I become so traumatized by it that I don’t even notice anymore when my basic dignity is being attacked?

I understand some people find the pronoun/name thing difficult, but I find myself bending over backwards at times just to get the smallest effort from those around me. I’m willing to tear myself open and offer whatever I have in the hopes that a little more understanding will get someone to respect me.

I’m beginning to question that plan. I’ve tried to be helpful, and I’ve tried to be supportive of the change I’m asking people to make, but I think I need to realize its not a change I’m asking people to make. I’m just asking for so courtesy and respect.

I am enough, and I should let myself be enough, and I should expect others to treat me as enough.

Trans voices matter

I’ve been trying to work on this one for awhile, but most of my attempts were quite aggressive. So I’m trying a rewrite.

I’m Canadian, and in this country we spend a lot of time and hand wringing on diversity and inclusion. Two important things that in peoples mind range from unnecessary to the very fabric of the nation.

So from a young age we’re taught here that different voices matter. What I have found interesting, is that we generally have a hard time valuing those voices, and understanding what these different voices offer.

So I can’t talk about everyone experience, but I can talk a little bit about what its like to have a trans-tinted world view. It’s not a particularly fun experience, but it has its uses.

Trans people have to be able to read a room very quickly, this goes for a lot of other minorities. What I do believe is a little different is that the journey to self acceptance for a trans person involves a lot of introspection, and a lot of time understanding yourself. This is not a common trait in people.

If your personality is an onion, gender isn’t the core, but its a pretty damn close to it. So to unpack and find yourself involves digging pretty deep inside yourself, and as I’ve talked about before, you can’t really put it all back together the same way.

Nor would you want to.

The survival skills that mix in with your social skills are honed in this process. To present counter to your nature out of a need for survival because of the nonacceptance and hatred around you requires endless patience and a near fanatical devotion to the illusion. Sometimes you find yourself believing the fiction you’ve created.

Its not healthy in the moment, but afterwards you don’t forget what you’ve learned. You move on, with a skepticism of and insight into those around you that is generally unparalleled. So why does this matter? Because any organization or family, or group or whatever needs people with different skills. Trans voices offer such a rich perspective because we are not a separate culture ourselves but both a participant and an outsider wherever we go. until trans people are accepted for who we are we are forced to deeply understand the world around us, and that’s a huge advantage. We just need a chance to use it.