Let them say what needs be said.
My rails are built, all ties, all spokes
Each mile laid into further dread
driving forward, the path still smokes
Were I to wander through the night
Felt freedom loose in moon-lit air
that I could ever choose my sight
Locked ever forward my face shall bare.
When even back is forward still
progress made, my load to carry
Up, up, up some broken hill
my back is bowed, broke if I tarry.
Longing for release of weight
decoupling, sweet relief, no!
Journeys end a lie, more freight,
backwards moving, forward go.
Burdens I have never sought
Assigned to me by those long gone
Scars upon my bared face wrought
With knives so cruel and ever long.
That I could drop such bounty
Move e’er forward without shame
towards the glory of Libertas’ county
birth-right held by those named same
That my time could be discordant
filled with terrors, tortured soul
twisted to and fro, abhorrent
my life to live, each day a toll.
My rails are set, my path is clear
to heave and struggle without cry
lest those that frolic face any fear.
My burden silent, until I die.
I made a trip to a nearby city this weekend. We were there to visit with friends and try out different restaurants. It was a fun weekend.
The highlight, was a bookstore/sex toy shop. Not that i had any particular interest in the sex toys, not that there’s anything wrong with those that do. Nor was I particularly looking to look at books at the moment. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw them. I even bought a book on trans history I’m looking forward to reading.
No the most enjoyable feeling was being in a place I felt I belonged.
Even before being out of the closet there are very few places I ever felt safe and comfortable. Since coming out those places are equally sparse, though I am guarded in a different way publicly.
No, being in a queer friendly space was a wonderful feeling, and I truly mean queer friendly. Not a place that won’t kick you out for being gay or trans. I mean a place for queer people to feel welcomed and wanted. The store was busy, they had a sale going on. Didn’t matter, I felt like I was in everyone’s way and it was still relaxing and refreshing to be in there. My wife remarked “Wouldn’t it be amazing if everywhere felt like that.”
I’ve talked about a lot of the negative feelings I’ve had, I’ve said that I’m learning to be okay with not being okay. this is all true. There’s a lot of fear and loneliness in my life. Though there are people in my life, very few people understand what I’m going through. I don’t have anyone to talk to.
I shared a look of understanding with the cashier at that store who was trans, that warmed my heart and made my day. Just a few seconds of interaction with someone who understood and I could share this burden with. That small moment made me feel lighter.
Loneliness doesn’t mean you’re completely alone, with no one to talk to. It can sometimes be that you’re in the middle of a crowd that can’t hear you, no matter what you say.
Sharing a moment of understanding with someone is sometimes all it takes to find a bit of balance.